How did I reach this stage in my life? How did I get here? What the heck happened?
I remember like it was yesterday being so busy being a mom, running around working taking care of my family and I was HAPPY!!!! The next thing I knew the kids are gone, my mother has died, our financial situation is a train wreck and I am working at a dead end job that is so boring I actually cry on my way to and from it. Which by the way is easy to do since it is easily an hour commute both ways. Now I don’t want you to think I’m ungrateful, because I’m not. I am paying the bills barely, but I’m still trying to figure out how I got here! I am a sad, miserable, depressed, middle aged woman who feels as though her life is over. My children have all moved out of state and are happy and doing well. I am glad for them, they are living exciting and fulfilling lives, but I miss them so much. I can’t seem to figure out how to be happy with my own life now that I don’t have to be a mom 24-7.
So I am writing this hoping during the telling I can figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I do know this; it is not coming here sitting in a cube doing very mind numbing work and not feeling a bit of accomplishment at all. Now don’t get me wrong some people thrive in and love this environment, but I am not one of them. To me it feels like I am dying a little every day.
Ok let me start at the beginning. I always thought my life was blessed. I have a very close family 2 sisters 2 brothers and parents who were loving and supportive. In fact I always compared our family to the Brady Bunch, stupid I know but true. My mom was at the very heart of this truly blessed family. She was an angel on earth and until her death was my very best friend.
That’s when it happened. That’s when my life fell apart. Until the day she was diagnosed with Cancer my sisters and brothers and I would talk all the time about how lucky and blessed we were. Imagine 5 siblings who all got along and loved each other. Even more amazing we all loved the partners we had each chosen to spend the rest of our lives with as well. We all went blissfully along with life never imagining she would be gone so soon. You see, her mother and grandmother both lived well into their 90’s so of course she would as well. So imagine our shock when those horrible words were spoken “your mother has cancer”. Oh our shock was not any different than any family member who hears this about a loved one, but I believe we were almost living in a dream world thinking nothing could touch us, kind of a rough wakeup call if you ask me. We all thought she would pull through, she was tough and she wanted to live for her family so badly. 2 years later our perfect wonderful mother was gone.
Ok again this is nothing that hasn’t happened to a million families all over the world. In fact much worse things have happened. You can argue that she lived till 71 and we were lucky to have had her that long. All true statements but unfortunately that doesn’t help. It is almost 4 yrs later and I still miss and mourn her every day as do my sisters and brothers. My father has not been able to move on, but that is a story for a different day.
I seem to correlate everything crashing in my life to my mom dying. My son moved to California a month after we buried her. My middle daughter broke up with her boyfriend and decided to move to New York. My youngest decided to go live with her brother in California. Was it something I said? I think I am taking this way too personally but I can’t seem to help it. .
Meanwhile the economy decided to take a really bad turn and my husband being in construction was fighting to find work and we now had hardly any income coming in and huge credit card bills from the business. I was working part time for benefits so my salary really couldn’t help at all. There was no work, no money, my children were not close by, and my mom was gone. Feel sorry for myself? You bet. I reached out to anyone I could. I needed a full time job and they were scarce indeed. I was very lucky to have a friend who recommended me for a position in her Company. I went on the interview and was offered the position. I was so excited because this was what I was looking for to help out with the home finances. Meanwhile my husband had started getting busier and it looked as though things were on the upswing for him.
Ok, so I start my new job with all kinds of hope and expectations. I have my own cube, my own laptop; my boss is out of state so I hardly ever see him. I am an admin (which is a glorified secretary). The work is boring; I look at the clock every day and count down the hours till I can go home. God, I sound so ungrateful, but I can’t help the way I feel. This is the most boring thing I have ever done in my life!!!! I have no college education so finding a full time job anywhere is difficult. I do know this. I do not want to work in an office doing mindless boring work that I don’t care about.
So what do I want to do? That is the question. I cannot stand being miserable. I feel as though I have nothing but anger running through my system, I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t remember the last time I was happy. I am at work right now writing this because I cannot even bring myself to do the work that is assigned to me. I have no motivation for it at all. Now, even I recognize that I am depressed. But what to do? I really don’t want to see anyone, don’t ask me why but it just doesn’t feel right. I pretend everything is just great to the rest of the world (except my poor husband who has to listen to me every blooming day). So the question is this? What will make me happy? Isn’t that all anyone searches for? Why can’t I answer this simple question?
Now let’s see. Having an unlimited amount of funds without any worries I believe would make me happy, but isn’t there a saying money doesn’t buy happiness? Hmmm I guess I wouldn’t mind trying it out, but unfortunately I don’t see that happening in my immediate future. So let’s move on with the next idea. I want to be able to get up and look forward to each day and what it will bring. I need to work at an environment or company that I believe in not that bores me to death. I really don’t care about learning excel spreadsheets, or PowerPoint presentations. I really don’t care to drive meetings or set up travel arrangements for someone else. See that is the problem. I want someone to do that stuff for me not the other way around. I really don’t care how much money our little group makes each month, I don’t care about sales meetings, and security systems. Believe me I can go on and on. I used to work at UPS part time and I would complain about that job as well. Maybe I just cannot be satisfied. Maybe I just don’t know what the heck I want. Looking back I realize that my job at UPS suited me so much better. I am a very social being, love people, love listening to them and hearing their stories. I like being able to help people and feel as though I actually accomplished something. In the position I have now that is very much not the case. Everyone sits in their own little cube in their own little world. The only sound I hear is typing. People rarely talk to each other. It is like living in a Stepford environment, very weird. Again this is not for me, for some people this is great.
On top of all this other crap going on in my life I decided to quit smoking. Why you ask? Well, there is this thing called Lung Cancer and oh did I mention my mother died from that? So I decided it’s time whether I like it or not, and believe me right now I don’t like it. I really want a cigarette! Isn’t it sad that the only thing I look forward to each day was smoking? Well I better figure out something else to look forward to very quickly, because I told my children I was done and I meant it!
Now if anyone is reading this you’re probably thinking what an ungrateful human being I am. I am somewhat healthy (I think). My husband is healthy, my children are healthy, my siblings and extended family healthy. So, I do have a lot to be grateful for. Okay then what the hell is my problem? Many, many people out there would love to have my boring job because it does bring in a decent paycheck with health benefits. So again I am asking myself WTF??? I can’t even get a little bit motivated. I have been here almost six months and it is getting worse not better. Okay here is an example. We are a huge company with a huge campus. We are located by a pole number because it is a maze of cubes with people sitting in them. I was trying to locate a woman (by her pole number of course) and she wasn’t at her desk so I asked the people sitting around her if they knew if she was in that day or not. Do you believe not one person knew who she was? They sat across from her or next to her for Christ’s sake! This place is so unhealthy for humans. It is sucking the life right out of me. Never before have I felt this way, so now I need to figure out what to do.
Wow, I think you get how I feel about my new job so I’m thinking it’s time to move on. Okay back to the same question I had at the beginning of this tirade. What do I want to do and what would make me happy?
Truthfully as weird as this sounds writing this all down today has made me feel a heck of a lot better. I think there is something to be said about keeping a journal. Now if only I could somehow channel this into a career of some sort that would be great. I would love writing on my computer in my home office and making a career of it. I love to read but that certainly does not mean I can write. Today has flown by a lot quicker than any day so far because I am actually doing something I like. Hmmm!! Of course that is the key, doing something you like and aren’t you a lucky one if that is actually what you do.
So anyone out there have any suggestions? Comments? Help? Yeah I know I’m the only one who can help me. I’m the only one who can figure out what makes me happy. Well when that happens I will let you know, but until then I think I’ll continue to vent.
I want to talk about my children and how incredibly proud I am of them. It’s kind of a mixed feeling, because I miss them every day. I want to be able to drive to their houses or apt’s to take them to dinner whenever the mood strikes. I don’t want to have to plan to see them by buying plane tickets. But that is life and I have to deal. I know they think I play the guilt card sometimes and maybe I do, but it’s not intentional and I also know it won’t change anything. I believe in being honest with them, so they know how unhappy I am without them being close. But they also know I am very, very proud of them and love them very much. They probably do not know I am sometimes jealous of them. Kinda sick huh to be jealous of your kids, but they are doing things I never had the nerve to do. So proud yes, miss them absolutely, but I know they are happy so I am happy. (I would be happier if they could be happy closer to home) Ha! So there you go, my three beautiful children who I have lived half of my adult life taking care of and now poof although they still need their mom it’s not the same. They no longer need me to take care of them the way they used to. So now I need to take care of myself and I’m not sure how to do that. I am floundering!
How do you reach this point in your life where you are middle aged and you have to figure out what you want to be when you grow up? How does someone my age figure this out? I have friends who are so very content with their lives and jobs. Why am I struggling? Why can’t I figure it out? What the hell is wrong with me?
Okay let’s do a paragraph about what the hell is wrong with me. I am a paranoid, neurotic, negative person. Did I mention my sisters are very similar to me? Maybe not the negative part but certainly the rest. We have talked about it and even laughed about it but really, truthfully it is no laughing matter. It is a very exhausting way to live for you and the people who live with you. I never see the optimism in a situation; it’s always glass half empty. I do believe it’s in the genes; my dad is a very negative person. My husband happens to be a very optimistic person sometimes enough to want to make me vomit. See my cynic side has just come out. I don’t happen to see a lot to be optimistic about at this particular moment in time, selfishly thinking only of myself and my own happiness of course. So there you have it. How do I fix what is wrong with me?
Ok sorry back to me sitting in my cube, it is 3:00PM and I have not spoken one word to anyone in about 4 hours. The only sound I hear is typing and this white noise humming coming from the vent above my desk. Now this might sound like heaven to some people, to me it is pure hell!
Did I mention my son is getting married? That I am thrilled about. I love his fiancée Laurel and they will be getting married in California in a beautiful winery. Absolutely something for me to look forward to. This great event will take place in a year and a half, hopefully by then I will figure out what to do with myself!
